Beauty tips for the apocalypse
May 24, 2012 in Urban Fantasy
Let’s say it’s circa 2013 and the world as we know it is over. We no longer have our Maseratis, beach condos and yachts and we’re living the life of a piranha—you know, chilling with your man one day and you get pissed off so you off him and cook him for dinner. You were comfortable and secure since you had a partner by your side, so looks weren’t a priority. Now you’re single and ready to mingle, but instead of looking like the perfect girl, you look like the perfect Chewbacca. How’s a girl gonna get her swerve back on?
Something they definitely don’t talk about in post apocalyptic books is how to keep your looks once that world-ending catastrophic event hits. We all know that when we look good, we feel good. But with very few tools and little to no luxuries, how can someone make the most of their natural assets?
Let’s start with our crowning glory—there’ll be no flatirons, blow dryers or styling aids. If you’re not down to chop it all off, I suggest stockpiling baby powder for a little double duty as dry shampoo and deodorizer. Obviously, you’ll jump in any non-radioactive body of water you find, and learn how to finger style your hair. You can work the Heidi look with some cute, funky braids—guys loves them. After a few days, when you’re ready for a new look, take them out and get your afro on—the smaller the braids, the tighter the waves. When it needs conditioning, throw whatever oil you can get your hands on or egg whites if there is a surplus.
Nails—I hate to break it to you, but you’ll have to cut those babies all the way down. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a pair of clippers and a nail file. It’s not even remotely realistic to think that we’ll be able to have pretty nails—well-kempt is the best we can hope for. You never read about any heroines in urban fantasy books or apocalyptic movies fighting zombies off with their long gel nails.
Skincare—you won’t be winning any post-apocalyptic pageants when you smell like poo and are covered in acne. You’re going to have to get real old school and make your own soap. They were making soap back in Babylon, so it’s got to be easy to do. The Celts made soap from animal fat, ash and plant stuff, and the Romans used olive oil. The next time you slaughter your dinner, make sure to boil off some of the fat, mix it with ash from the fire, throw any herbs you can get your hands on for a nice little scent and you’re good to go. For moisturizer, mix a little water with animal lard from your beastly meal, apply it to your face at night and your skin will be smooth as a baby’s bum.
Makeup—again, you never read about any heroines in urban fantasy books reapplying lip gloss. Minimal is really the way to go, but if you need a little glamour in your apocalyptic world, there are a few things you can do to maximize your natural beauty. Get your Cleopatra on with a little charcoal mixed with candle wax (or beeswax if that’s all you can find) for makeshift eyeliner. If you’re near an ocean, search for a jellyfish. Their venom makes a great lip plumper.
Bottom line—If you ever find yourself solo in the kind of world we’ve been fed in post apocalyptic books and movies, let’s hope you’ve got a really great personality and a nice smile.